My screwed up marriage, my screwed up self, and my screwed up wife. Care to read and give advice?
First off I’m going to say that 5,000 characters isn’t enough to type EVERYTHING, so if people look at my other questions (like the one posted below) and think I am trying to be a martyr they are WRONG.
First off I’ll talk about myself (in a negative way). I am an underdeveloped 29 year old male. I have adhd and I am a child abuse survivor. Ever since I was a child, I had a problem with self regulation; that included any kind of “self control” that you can think of. Emotions, attention, tactfulness, desires, thinking; all these things that you “normal” people take for granted of naturally controlling without effort, I have had to struggle my whole life to self regulate. I have been labeled “broken”, “defiant”, “unruly”, and the worst of them all “consistently inconsistent”. My mother never believed adhd is real (which will go for most of you about to comment too) so she disciplined me. The more I “acted up”, the more harsh the punishment got. What started out with a calm talk in the bedroom, ended up as her taking me by my hair, slamming my head against a wall, and calling me an asshole for not “doing as I was told”. I was mentally conditioned to cater to other people’s feelings; mainly my mothers and other women (most the teachers were women). But women aren’t my only problem; I’ve been bullied by my peers ever since I was 8 (and I still am)… I’ve been in therapy for the abuse and I truly feel like I am recovering; but it’s important to know where I came from before you judge.
My wife doesn’t talk to me about her past. My wife said she was so quiet/avoidant in Kindergarten that she was told she had to redo it. She redid Kindergarten and still didn’t “break out of her shell”. They let her pass anyways and when she started 1st grade she started talking; so they didn’t do any special education or testing because she was “cured” of her mutism. She admits that she was outgoing and fun when she lived in the city, but when my wife turned 12 she was forced to move an hour from her childhood neighborhood and live in the country. This is when she said that she stopped being outgoing and fun and chose to focus on academics and being quiet/shy. She’s admitted to me that her parents physically fought ALL THE TIME; so much to the point that her brother stayed in the childhood neighborhood to live with the Grandparents because he wanted to be away from it all. My wife, who was the middle child, was now the oldest child because of her brother’s behavior. Apparently the domestic violence and verbal assaults between her parents never ended. My wife even said that she had to comfort her younger sister and her mother all the time because her Dad would storm out of the house to go be with the horses instead of the family. Whenever my wife talks about her parents relationship, she says “they hated each other and they were alcoholics”… This about as much as I know about her past because she has privacy concerns (I’m discussing this with YOU because I’m anonymous and this can’t trace back to her or me).
As far as my marriage with her. We met in person on 9/11/01 but we were online friends for months. Between 9/11/01 and 11/1/01 we dated on the weekends and suffered our abuse during the week. On 11/1/01, my wife took a stance against her abusive parents and moved in an apartment 2 hours south of where her parents stayed (where I lived). Prior to moving in with me, I was already living in my car because I couldn’t handle my mother’s abuse any more (even though leaving broke my Dad’s heart). We had entertainment things in common but the truth is, we were so disabled by our parent’s abuse that we didn’t have an identity to share with each other because she lived a neglected life and I lived a sheltered one. Suddenly, she was pregnant… 3 months of “dating” and now pregnant… We had the kid (then another)… They are great but my wife uses them to hide from the intimacy of the marriage.
We spent the first 8 years of the relationship trying to accept our new roles as father/mother instead of trying to be a couple. To be honest, aside from sex and entertainment, there probably wasn’t much there. In 2009, I lost my job and haven’t even tried to find a new one because of a serious back injury that leaves me partially paralyzed. Thus, the last 2 years I have been home working on the marriage and trying to repair whatever I can…
(more in details)
I realize now that I am codependent of her. I am trying to find the relationship that never developed and tried to spark the fire that was never there… I do all the chores, I do all the laundry, I do all the grocery shopping, I do all the child care, I do EVERYTHING; all to prove to my wife I’m a worthy spouse. But she’s blinded by her narcissism and just says “you’re a stay at home husband, this is your JOB”… Was this her abusive father’s advice to her mother???
Having read all this, what do you think needs to happen? We are in marriage counseling but she pegs all of this on me and none on her…. I admit that we probably never had real “love”; but now that I am home and I have most of my adhd and abuse under control, I can see her for who she is and I really want to be with this woman… But I still think she is projecting her parents personalities on to me and I don’t think this is going to work out until she breaks out of the mold her parents created…
Link to other question as promised:
No meds for adhd; just learning new coping skills and trying to work my butt off to get advice and make my marriage better. Figured if I spread my questions apart enough I’ll have a new audience.
barry jennings answers:
Haven’t i told you earlier to bake a here a damn cupcake? Ahh man my attention deficit is kicking on high gear today..
Could stem cells cure Mental behavioral disorders ??? possible ?
Today most, thats most gene studies are aimed at cancer and hereditary diseases !
They are not studying how to cure the most common problems at hand ! They think we should keep those people medicated. Well in doing so, those people are unable to lead a full life because they end up at 18 having to fight to get SSI, to afford staying on medication..and then giving up their job or losing their job because they can’t make much money while while on SSI !!!!! Short story their life has been made abnormally difficult as well ! My question is: For all those people that have mental illnesses, does stem cells provide any hope to curing those brain disorders…even to the point it does not become hereditary….. Does stem cells hold any hope at all for those people ?????
People who have ADHD, Schitzephrenia, Mood disorders, Bipolar, etc
Usually the truth of having mental disorders for some people is having high ambitions…. theres a difference in not knowing what your missing out on in and knowing..it’s hurtful ! For most diagnosed and med-treated patients of multiple disorders…they pass them to their children who live through the same thing they did ! In my opinion it is inhumane to not focus on stem cells for curing this ! People think diseases and other things are more important…. This is continuously for the most part hereditary !!
barry jennings answers:
It’s not likely, in my opinion.
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